i am a Trauma Person .

i•ve been abused for literally my entire life . My father would hit us , my stepfathers were all screamers . i•ve been kidnapped three (3) times , statutorily raped , and date raped .

i•ve had as many total collapse events as the planet has had extinction events . all my precious treasures , my memories from growing up , my gifted vestements , every one of my paintings and ink-pieces . All gone .

i•ve slept on concrete , i•ve slept in the snow , i•ve slept under trees , i•ve slept in the beds of people i had to give sexual favors to in exchange for housing .

And yet . i wouldn•t be the kind of person i am if i had not survived four decades of hard abuse .

Some things in this world are born perfect , complete into themselves . And some things in this world have to be broken before they can be made whole . Kintsukuroi cannot exist unless a vase breaks . A table cannot be made unless a tree dies . People spend so much time and effort trying to sanitize , to round every edge , to polish every beveled corner . That isn•t a world i can exist in .

For me to exist , i had to scrape my knees .
For me to exist , i had to scar myself .
i want to keep the cutting .
i want to be told what i want .
And i don•t think it•s wrong to want to control the source of where i•m getting these things .
Because my trauma is about me , not the person who•s getting off to it .
That•s the difference between a Trauma Person and a neurotypical person .
For me to exist , my trust had to be betrayed .
For me to exist , i had to be harmed .

So no ,
i wouldn•t try to bring about World Peace .
i wouldn•t try to kiss every bruise .
i turn blind eyes . i look away . i offer
a hand to people who are hurting .
That•s the kind of person i am .
A Trauma Person .

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