bedside thought (how my mind works)

people are resources first
npcs second
acquaintences third

try to avoid any people
becoming friends
(excepting friends with benefits)

under no circumstances
should anyone
ever
be promoted to confidante

do not
ever ever ever
fall in love

if you do you're pretty much fukt#


---


in a bus shelter
february winds
leaking warmth
slowly

muffs and mittens
curling forward
rocking back and forth

i realize#
the times i died
or at least did my soul
imprinted me
with immense strenght
find heat before it ends

in a bus shelter
february winds
leakin
oh shit the bus! #


---


housing
what a horrid issue
memories
that are not mine
of survival
from another time
proof
that without a home
one is nothing

scramble
scurry
run to and fro
thank god i have
a metropass
what would i do
without the means
to travel distance
without walking? #


---


sweltering
humid
38*
the kind of heat that brings the people
sweating to their knees
a balmy day
for the deranged
interrupted by ac
i wear my black
with madness pride
and absorb the dripping blaze

oppressive
brutal
38*
the kind of haze that brings the people 
crowding under trees
and where i go
i do not know
the air's too thick to see #


---


it's funny
reading a book
about borderline
and then getting so escalated
from a couple minor comments
i have to leave the room

finishing the book
and having no
other route
of escape

emerging
to an angry face
and wanting to run
run
away #


---


## Full-page art of a shattered windowpane, ##
## rendered in immaculate detail ##


---


the moon is full
its shining lips
of madness
bright
within the sky

that i may die
a thousand times
you never change
you never grow

o fortuna
velut luna
statu variabilis
pulling tides
but never
owning

guide the way
through the path of night #


---


what did i tell you 
about silence?

admittance
leads
to persecution

how many times
do we have to be betrayed
before you stop
empowering people
to betray us?

for fuck's sake
sie couldn't even sit through
the entire
suicide story

how can sie understand
physical agony? #


---


i'm tired of this
sexually predated
bullshit

i was raped

precision of language
won't take away
the horror
of waking up
with a stranger in your bed

fleeing the room
exhausted and defiled
having a panic attack
while he sleeps soundly
beneath your sheets

the humiliation of being told
it's not rape enough #


---


the reason
i like reading
books about other peoples' suffering
is that it offers me
a guilt-free way
to explore the suffering
of others

fuck
sometimes
i just want
to throttle
a motherfucker #


---


cy
why can't i cut myself?

Because I do not feel like 
being cut right now.

and so what
darling
do you suppose i do
instead?

Well, you don't seem to want
to do anything else right
now.

i just want
to cut

No. #


---


## Image of red-brown lines ##
## painted in blood ##

#in blood# i told you so


---


drip

touching me
in ways
they wish
they could

alive on the dance floor
feeling no emotion
movement of my body
on fire
muscles ripping
tendons pulling me
apart

no one
can fuck me
like i
can dance #


---


i am the darkness
that lives inside cybin
and makes hir do
such irresponsible things

i am the darkness
that eats away
that maddens
that speaks
in poetry

it calls itself kaitlyn
together
we are kai'enne #

## Image of two petrie dishes , ##
## one cracked with many animals ##
## the other 50|50 jade/sapphire##

# Friday, April 27th 2018
was the meteor #


---


walk
into traffic
jump
from a balcony
cut
the wheat from the chaff
and see

dreaming of a million ways to die
waiting for someone to do it for me
screaming
silently
inside my head

chained to this earth
by love #


---


where do we flee
when the water keeps rising?
where do you go
when you're dying inside
abandon all hope
to the razor
abandon all hope
with a smile

for in
the crushing darkness
there's life
though joy
is a scarce commodity
survive

evolve
and change
again 		x4

for the troubles keep piling
the trees keep on drowning
the sky turns murder red
she ships all left shore
they'll die on their boards
at least they chose how it ends #


---


memory
that word
that's all

now we're going to get into groups
of two
think of a time
you were at a workshop
and had
a positive experience

now we're going to share that memory
her mouth kept on moving
words kept on coming out
but i was already gone
back to the bathtub
with the razor in my hand
measuring which hurt more:
the blade in my wrist
or the emptiness inside